Today was week 4 going to Green Valley Presbyterian. I walk up to the doors and see a bagpipe player in a kilt. Then I see Dr. Harper in a kilt. It doesn't totally surprise me because the Presbytery originated in Scotland. Part of me liked it. Something different but not goofy. I was hoping they were serving communion with Balvenie but sadly, nope.
Today's lecture (as I like to call it) was on change. I tend to lean towards the belief that everything happens for a reason so the theme was hard to ignore. Like a brick hitting me on the head. Listen up Amy. Someone's trying to tell you something. The following 4 points were taken from Dr. Harper's sermon today. (This podcast isn't yet up but for future reference head to GVPC iTunes.)
1st: Change is preceded by anticipatory rumblings. So true. In the past month I've been a different person and a couple of my friends have noticed. Some see me happier than I've ever been but my close friends see anxiety and sheer terror of what I'm opening myself back up to. The elation I have at times is not really real. It's based on a false sense of security, on a promise that will never be kept.
2nd: Change requires major impetus. This past month I've picked up drinking & smoking again and stopped exercising like I was before. Prior, I've been the model patient for Diabetes and if my head keeps up this ridiculous thought process much longer I'll have thrown that all away. I'm smart enough to know if I get back on track now, I'll be ok. I haven't jumped off the cliff yet but I'm teetering on the edge. If I let it go on much longer, I'll be setting myself up for failure and I won't have learned a single thing. I don't want to go back to the way I was - I'm not talking physically (although I don't want to be unhealthy again); I'm talking mentally. I am strong. I can do better. I just need to stop putting the temptation in front of me. While the allure of an unopened bottle of Ponsardin in my kitchen doesn't bother me any more than a pack of Marlboro Lights, I am tempted by certain types of people. I have no idea why, but I am. It's those kinds of attractions that will kill my spirit.
3rd: Major changes will generate major opposition. The major opposition is within me. It's the same internal struggle we all face. It's a case of the "what if's." What if this time works? What if this time the timing is right? Wise up. The odds of that are like winning MegaBucks or PowerBall. Yes it happens to some people but if you spend your life's savings (or in my case my life's worth) on it, you've wasted your life for nothing and you'll have nothing.
4th: Major change is not a smooth process. I took on this challenge of changing my life 13.5 months ago and up until a month ago it's been pretty easy. It really has. But nothing up until now has been emotional. It's been all physical. Get your ass out of bed early to go walk. Don't eat carbs. Don't drink or smoke. Easy stuff. It wasn't until a month ago that I was really tested and failed. Not miserably because I didn't do anything stupid or anything I can't recover from but in my heart I know I failed and if I go on I'll have broken the promise I made to myself - to never allow someone else's actions to affect how I feel about myself again. I lied to myself that I could handle it, that I was strong enough to fend off what's in my heart, that I was smart enough to outrun the inevitable. I'm not.
Over the past month I lost my mind. I'm not sad. I'm angry. Livid. Furious with myself for forgetting everything I learned, I broke all the promises I made to myself. I lied to myself, and badly at that. That ends now. Now I go back to being good to me. To putting myself first. To remembering that this is my stage, and everyone else in it are merely players. I owe it to myself.
Amy, you turn 40 in 5 months. Be better, do better, be stronger, remember who you are, that you are enough. Do the brave thing. It's gonna be hard - hell it's gonna suck and be awkward and you're going to feel like an idiot. But do the brave thing. Almost Doesn't Count.
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