Wherever I Go

Tonight I went to a housewarming party for a partner at the firm at which Counselor works. It was a little awkward at first. It always is stepping into a new situation but this was odder than normal because I went with Counselor. Now to both of us, it wasn't necessarily a big deal but when he shows up with a new girl in a work-party situation, it kinda made for some head turns. I was only asked by a couple of people if I was his girlfriend. I said to one of them, "I've known him for a long time," bypassing the actual question. "We're friends," I told the other. He told me later that night after we left the party that he got asked that too. He made some joke like I was his concubine. I actually think that's funny. 

There was one uncomfortable point at the party though. I was standing with Counselor and another couple when the host, one of the law partners, comes over and grabs him. I just figured they were going to talk shop. Turns out he introduced Counselor to a girl. I only know this because he came back and told all of us in the circle what had just happened. Unfortunately for Counselor, the girl was friends with one of his last conquests so it was, in his words, "uncomfortable." But for me it was uncomfortable because even though I'm not his girlfriend, I was the girl he brought to the party and the way I was completely discounted was a little disconcerting. One of the guys Counselor works with looked at me as if to gauge my reaction. I just smiled. It's small moments like this that make me realize how utterly unimportant my presence is to him. 

After the party we went to meet up with some of the group at Red Rock Casino. Turns out one of the attorneys hosted a New Year's Eve party I went to years ago, the one where I kissed Cleveland Mike. That was a great New Year's Eve. I really liked him and I'm betting we would have had a great love affair had he not moved. Yard House was fun.  We had a couple drinks, couple cigarettes & fun conversation. At one point we were sitting next to this older man who was there by himself. Counselor in - typical fashion - strikes up a conversation with man. At first he seemed harmless, an odd bar recluse. Then he started to kind of hit on Counselor so I thought, ok, he's gay. No prob. Then Counselor excuses himself to go to the bathroom and I'm stuck talking to the hippy. No worries until he starts hitting on me. I know this should have been an ego boost but trust me, it wasn't. Being hit on by a crazy, non-tax playing, pseudo-bi-sexual intellectual that looks like Willie Nelson is not an ego boost. It makes me want to take a shot gun to either my head or his. Blech. When Counselor got back and I whisper in his ear, "Get me outa here." So he did. We tell crazy-man that we're going out to smoke and don't come back.

When we were smoking Counselor says, "Amy I'm worried about who's gonna pay this tab." Apparently, and I'm not sure why I'm only now finding this out, a lot of attorneys are broke degenerates. Or maybe it's just his friends. At the height of the night there were prob 10 of us there so the tab in full was prob around $300. "C said he's paying for it," I told Counselor. "Amy, I loaned C $300 the other day to get by." Christ. I don't know how many people Counselor is helping "get by" but it's at least 2. His buddy who used to work at that same firm and got fired (the guy who also got us back in touch) called him earlier in the day to ask for $100 wired Sunday to the Walmart in South Carolina where he's golfing with buddies. I used to think Counselor just had a big heart and was just a sucker for a charity case  - that's why he helped so many people -  but I'm beginning to think he does it to appease his own ego and to convince himself he's needed, wanted and necessary to these guys. Almost a penance. And the sad part is Counselor doesn't exactly have a bankroll to handle all of this charity work. He told me how much he makes; he's doing ok but with big-time law school debt and no family money he needs to think about his own finances before shelling out hundreds of dollars a month to support his friends. We talked about it. He knows he needs to stop. Hell, I could care less. It's not my money. I just don't like seeing my friends do destructive things. But it is a strange paradox. He'll give people the shirt off his back (or $500 from his bank account as it were) but I can't depend on him to show up when he tells me he's going to be there. 

We went to get away from the group and sat at the Sportsbook bar. He was feeling no pain by then. I can always tell when he's drunk. He gets touchy-flirty and his bottom lip pops out when he smiles at me like he's pouting. He apologized to me again for what happened in the past. I let him. It wasn't that I needed to hear it again but I think he needed to say it for himself. He admitted to me that while he never asked me for anything he took a lot emotionally. He started to tell me how he feels about me, "Amy, you have a great personality..." I immediately stopped him. I didn't want to, or need to, hear anything more. Saying of a girl, "You have a great personality," is akin to the male version of "He's a nice guy." If ever there was any question of how he feels about me, that phrase said it all. Nothing. I known that for 10 years and it's moot now but when you finally hear it, it's still not fun. There's a tiny part of me that wants him to like me, to fall in love with me - maybe it's so I can break his heart or maybe I secretly still wish we'd live happy ever after. But it's there. No sense denying it. Better to deal with it head on like a grown up. I can't run away from it. Tried that and it didn't work. He just finds me. 

Not sure where I go from here. But Wherever I Go he's back in my life; I let him in. And I don't mind. He said he'd pick me up for church tomorrow and after, lunch, then dinner together later. I know better now though. I'm not waiting for him anymore and it feels wonderful.