Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

I saw Counselor last night. I got a call from his phone around 8.30p. It was actually his friend. They had just finished dinner at Mon Ami Gabi, one of Counselor's favorite places. In fact, it was where he and his ex-wife had their reception. His friend asked me to meet them out for a drink. We hemmed & hawed about a location. I said, "Maybe another night. How about next week." His pal kept at it and we settled on O'Aces. 

I threw on a pair of jeans and headed over. I was a little nervous. I hadn't seen Counselor since our impromptu dinner with J's family, sans J, back in October. And at that dinner we didn't really get a chance to talk because we were with J's daughter and parents. 

It actually ended up being a good night. Instantly it all came back to me how much fun I have with him, how alike (for better or worse) we are. At one point in the night his friend brought up the elephant in the room which is that Counselor and I haven't really spoken in years and that I've been avoiding him. It was true. I admitted it. I was heartbroken. I needed time to get over him. His buddy, already drunk, pulled us both in to hug and eventually kiss. It started with me kissing Counselor on the cheek, then a second one on his lips. I remember they were soft and I could feel his whiskers. A little awkward because his friend was in the middle of us but it felt uncomfortably familiar. 

At another point, and I don't really remember the sequence that all of this took place, his friend kept saying there was tension coming from me. I walked over to Counselor and hugged him to prove I didn't have any bad feelings toward him. He held me tight, rubbed my back and whispered, "I'm sorry Amy." I said, "I'm sorry too." Neither of us were innocent in what happened 5 years ago. I was simply the unlucky one who was in love with him and he didn't feel the same but went thru the motions anyhow. We held each other for a while, my hand resting on his chest. We fit well together. 

I learned a couple things during the 4 hours we spent. Stuff about his life he probably wouldn't love for me to share on a blog so I'll respect his privacy enough to leave it alone. But he's a little out of sorts. Yes, he broke my heart and yes I'm playing with fire by letting him back into my life on any level but I want to see him happy. We went over the full gamut of our dating status. I told him about M, at least parts of it. He told me about the girls he's been with. I think we're finally at a place where we're balanced in how we feel about each other. 

One thing that came up a couple of times was the fact I wasn't drinking or smoking. "I can't believe you're not drinking," his friend kept saying. It clearly bothered them more than me. When I'm out I don't really think about it at all. Now when they were smoking, I kinda wanted one of those. At a couple points in the night I wanted to light one up, not because I physically craved one but because I remember how I liked the feeling of it being in between my fingers. That was hard to stave off, especially when Smoke Gets In Your Eyes from them both smoking. But I didn't. And I'm pretty happy about that.

We ended the night like most. We made plans to go have lunch today at Mon Ami and then go bet the ponies. Of course none of that happened. He never called. I knew he wouldn't. For him making plans is a meaningless salutation like when you see someone and they ask, "How are you?" You really don't care or want to know; it's just something you say. Once I figured that out, I stopped being bitter about him standing me up. 

So I didn't waste a single moment today wondering when he was going to call - I knew he wasn't. Instead I did my 4 miles listening to Chris Botti, Jamie Cullum, Shirley Bassey, Maroon 5 & the Winans on my iShuffle and later took George Bennett for a long walk at the park. It was a great day.