It's Gonna Be Alright

Monday. First full day in Meh-he-ko with the girls. Headed to the beach. Now that I'm close to 40 I really don't care about being in a bathing suit. I've been working my ass off and look better than I have in years but I'm still not a sight to behold. But it's funny how we revert to our old selves quite quickly. All of the girls are slim, fit and cute. That's what you get when you join a coveted sorority in college. It's like being the ugly duckling or Cinderella only without the metamorphosis or being saved by Prince Charming. Back at the U I was the girl who always had to be set up by her big sis for formals because I didn't have a boyfriend. It's ok as a freshman because you really don't know anyone and lots of girls are in the same boat but as a junior or senior not being able to get your own date is a bit humiliating. Of course I made it work. That's what I do - solve problems. I just latched onto my gay friends. They were always up for a party. But as I got older I cared less about not being beautiful, thin and married to Biff (or Jon as the case turned out). I overcompensated by kicking ass in my professional life, taking risks, working on fun projects, traveling the world. I staved off most of the insecurities by drowning myself in my job. I'm not the first fat girl to do so, won't be the last. If I can be that much more successful in my job then it will make up for the fact I was unwanted, unsightly, unloveable. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. I can try to play accounting tricks with my life but in the end the pyramid always falls tumbles. 

Then I moved away from Minnesota. Or more accurately, I ran away from Minnesota and started over. I needed a clean slate where no one knew me, where I could reinvent myself or more accurately, find out who the hell I was. I traveled the country, the world. I met different people and found out not everyone likes a blond (or brunette or redhead) who is below her BMI index and wants kids instead of a career. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't the oddball - the culture I was in was. Now I'm not saying getting married out of college to your sweetheart and having kids is somehow less fulfilling or means you contribute less to your environment. But when that isn't an option it's nice to know there are others available.

Somewhere in my 30s I found myself. I started to make some money and garner real respect from my professional community... and myself. I had some relationships that ultimately failed but can see now that they were never meant to succeed. I have a library of experiences to draw from and it makes all the difference. But sometimes there are triggers that bring me right back to that insecure fat Asian sorority girl who never got asked to a formal. Being with the DG girls on a beach did it for me this time. They're all wonderful and couldn't give a fat rat's ass about what any of us looks like in a bathing suit but when I look up and see the flat stomachs of the girls, it's hard not to judge myself. And at 39, I can't use the I'm-a-successful-business-person mantra because most of these girls make about $200k more than I do. They are moms, leaders of industry and look hot in a bikini. I can't catch a break. So instead I tell myself my life is good (which it is) and that I'm doing great (which I am) and that we all have our insecurities (which we do) and that It's Gonna Be Alright (which it will be).