On Sunday morning I'm headed to Mexico with 6 girls from college. The first of us turns 40 on that day so we're going to celebrate, commiserate & Champagn-erate or Margarit-erate or Tequil-erate. Whatever works. I can't wait to get out of Vegas for awhile, to get lost on a beach & forget about everything... or maybe to sort it all out. This past 2 weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I'm exhausted. I forgot how grueling falling in love can be. I'm not sure what happened to me but I feel like I lost my mind. It's been a long time since I've let myself feel anything for someone since Counselor. I took a chance and it didn't work out. No major drama or big scene. Rather it just kind of fizzled out like a sparkler on the Fourth of July. I'm internally humiliated and outwardly compensating with disgusting bravado. It's is maddening to know there's something lacking in me and nothing I can do about it, and that It's Alright. Maddening. I like to solve problems but how do you solve the problem when the problem is me being me. Ouch.
The past 14 days ended like they began, quite uneventfully. I'm a different person than I was 2 weeks ago, with subtle yet substantial scars but wiser for having gone thru the experience I guess. I can already feel myself shutting down, closing up like a wound. I guess it's time for me to be my own Broken Hearted Savior.
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