Daydreamer

I made it to church today. I had been looking forward to it all week actually. There's something comforting and continuous about it that I like. But for some reason I was all out of whack this morning. My CrackBerry alarm went off at 9.00a and I kept pushing snooze until 9.40a. Church is at 10.30a all the way across town so I normally have to be out of the house by 10.00a. As I'm drying my hair I look at the clock. 10.15a - it hits me. Holy shit. I should be passing the I-15 by now! My internal conversation goes a little something like this. "If I hustle I can be there by 10.45a or I can just bag it and go back to bed." I chose the former. Turned out to be the right decision. 

I pull into the church parking lot as expected at 10.45a and had to park up on this rocky berm. Not a good sign. If I can't find a spot to sit near the end of a pew, I'm screwed. I walk in and look around to my normal spot. No seats on the end. Shit. On the other side I see the last 2 pews roped off. That blows too. I look down the middle isle and a couple rows down, a couple people in I see an opening. I shuffle through and take a seat. 

It's funny how by simply changing seats changed my perspective. Everything was a little different. Not bad, just different. The lighting was different, my angle to Dr. Harper was different, the way my body positioned itself was different. An interesting point of view. Right then I made the decision that I'm not going to get there late anymore. While it was interesting to get a different view, there's a reason I sit where I sit. I like to be house right, far right on the end. Why? For the very practical reason that I cross my right leg over my left and thus lean to the left. Yeah, I guess I am fussy but I'd rather be comfortable so I can concentrate on what's going on around me than the fact that my leg is falling asleep. There's a bigger lesson there I'm sure but I have to be up at 4.00a tomorrow for a stupid convention so I don't really feel like delving into the psychosis of changing your perspective in a church pew and in life. 

Church ended and on the drive back home like a Daydreamer I thought about where Counselor was today. I haven't seen him at church (or at all) in about 3 weeks. I know I'm the one who made the decision to cut off ties but I still miss him. I miss our lunches at Tides Oyster Bar at Green Valley Ranch where Janet the waitress made small talk with us. I miss his laugh when I said something stupid or made fun of all his vitamins he carried in his pocket. I miss wearing his shirts in the morning. I miss the way he explained the law to me. I miss how he took care of me. I miss the feeling I had when I was with him. I miss loving him. Loss is hard. Self-imposed loss is even harder. Day by day it doesn't get easier, I just get used to it. Part of what I struggle with is guilt for feeling more pain over the loss of Counselor than the loss of my brother. I realize that's completely fucked up but that's the way I feel. Maybe it's because I had no control over my brother's death or contribution to what happened to him but with Counselor I was part and parcel; I had complete control over the whole thing and I let it all spiral out of control. 

But I lived thru another day. Surprising how that happens when you just keep going. And it was a good day. When I got home I got a pedicure & took George Bennett for a long walk. It was a gorgeous Sunday in Vegas.