The Great American Juicer Experiment

Here are the players.

So when I had dinner with Motorcycle-guy last Monday he told me about juicing. I've been famously known for getting things because men I'm attracted to tell me to. I don't like to do what people tell me to do so this uncharacteristically abnormal for my personality. A Toyota was my first car was because of the guy I liked in college. I bought a Tag because that's what my college love had. My first love from junior high bought me a Mont Blanc so that's all I use when signing. I smoke Dunhills and drink Chivas in honor of my odd love for Hunter S. Thompson. Yeah, Miss. Independent is secretly not such an independent thinker. 

So far so good...

Anyhow, Motorcycle-guy told me that he was on this juicing kick. He's kind of into eating healthy. Apparently he wants to lose 7 pounds in order to look good for his trip to Hawaii with his girlfriend when they're holding hands watching the sun set, drinking champagne & walking on the beach while feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries - not that I'm jealous or bitter at all. He walked me thru the basics so I thought, what the hell. I've done dumber things in the name of a man. I did do my research on Consumer Reports & Google but there's so much info that it's hard to sort thru so I text him a couple days ago asking what kind of juicer he had because they vary from $35-$400. Luckily for my bank account he said he had one that was only about $50. Good deal. I'd never even had vegetable juice other than a V8 in a Bloody Mary so $50 sounded perfect. 

Looks better in a wine glass

In the end I settled on a Black and Decker model for $29 bucks. The waterpic I got on the reco of my dentist was twice as expensive; it's been sitting under my bathroom sink for a year. I hope this juicer doesn't meet the same demise. Truth be told the only other kitchen appliance I have is a toaster which doesn't see much action either. The only sickening part about getting the juicer is I had to pick it up @ Walmart. Target didn't have it. Home Depot didn't have it either. Christ, I loathe Walmart. Yeah, call me a bitch or a snob or an elitist or whatever. I'll pay more to avoid that joint. But I sucked it up and made the most of it. I was there there pretty early (for me) because the dog had an appointment at the groomer @ 10.00a so luckily it wasn't too busy. I also picked up a couple of $5 tee shirts that will last me about 2 washes and some vegis for my first cup of joe, ahem, I mean juice.

Clean up is a breeze

At home I washed the parts, read the directions and got to chopping. Here's a little secret about me. I actually kinda like being in the kitchen. I tell people I hate cooking (and for the most part I do) but sometimes I kinda like it. I like the ritual and consistency of the motions. The precision. I like the utensils, the gadgets, the pinch of this here and a dash of that there. I like the prep. I like putting things in little custard dishes before making it like they do on cooking shows so I can just dump it in when I need it. Saying that I like food styling more than actually cooking is probably more accurate. Once upon a time I did that for a couple of commercial shoots. I actually styled an entire Thanksgiving dinner for a commercial. Ah, the good ol' days back when I was in my 20s, before I knew what life had in store...

Next time, a martini glass

I dump the vegis in the machine and voila, brown colored muddy liquid. Yum-o. I made 20oz of it and dumped it into a huge Riedel burgundy wine glass. I thought it might class it up a little bit and help convince myself this was as satisfying as a glass of Chateauneuf du Pape. This was my only mistake of the culinary adventure. Burgundy glasses are big for a reason, so you can trap the aroma and smell the full bouquet when a wine opens up. This is precisely the opposite of what you want with this stuff. It does not smell pleasant. Luckily, it doesn't actually taste badly. Next time though - I pour it into a martini glass. Clean up was surprisingly simple. Aside from the fact that I hate all the parts sitting out on my counter while they dry, all's well. Man, I should copy this to a post for Black & Decker. So far, best $29 bucks I've spent all week.

And so ends my first foray into the Great American Juicer Experiment.