I joined Green Valley Presbyterian Church today. Actually it's not a big deal since I've been going there pretty regularly since last April and have been a member of a Presbyterian church since I was a baby. But I made the leap to do it here in Vegas, alone.
A side tangent: I didn't want to do this alone which is strange because I'm so independent and have done most everything in my life alone and have no problem doing things alone. As a matter of fact, I prefer to do most things alone. I live alone, I travel alone, I eat at restaurants & bars alone, I bought my house alone, I moved away from MN alone. Faith and God is an entirely personal & singular relationship so it's so odd to me that I felt so strongly about wanting to do this with someone. Or maybe I just wanted to do this with Counselor because I'm looking for a Sunday Kind Of Love.
Today church was packed. Good sign but I got moved from the isle and got bumped in a couple of feet. I don't like sitting in the inside of the pew. I like the end - goes back to my need for an exit route. Yeah, that probably stems from my commitment issues and at an embryonic level being abandoned as an infant. But that's a therapy session for another post. Counselor walked in late (comme d'habitude) and sat on the other side of the sanctuary again. Second time in 2 weeks. I know it's for the best we're not sitting together and I realize I'm the one who pushed him away but it still stung.
The service ended and I had a half hour before the New Member class started. On my way out of the sanctuary Counselor was there waiting for me. I was glad he did. I hadn't spoken to him in 2 weeks. We walked outside and talked about what was going on in our lives for 10 minutes or so. I was pretty guarded and he could tell. We laughed a little. I told him I was going to the New Member Class and he should come. He passed. Said he wanted to but couldn't commit to the time today. I wanted him to come with me but I know it was for the best he didn't. I can't keep emotionally depending on him. I hadn't planned on doing this with him but I simply didn't want to do it alone. Time to cut the cord. He told me to call him when I finished and maybe we could grab a drink. "I don't have your number," I said. "My new one? Want me to text it to you?"
"Nope," and I turned and walked into the building. Be strong girl. Be strong.
The class was uneventful. When I switched from my childhood church, Central Presbyterian (and the church my family still belongs to) to the one I branched out to when I finished college, Westminster Presbyterian, I'd been thru one of these classes before. It's more a "get to know you" session while they tell you some general principals of what makes a Presbyterian different from a Lutheran from a Catholic. 3 hours later it ended in a prayer welcoming us all to Green Valley Presbyterian.
As I'm typing this post, I get a text from Counselor. "...Nice to see you today." I responded the same. I'm going to keep the text until midnight then it gets deleted along with his phone number, not because of anything he's done but because I know me. I know at some point in the near future I'll be tempted to call or text him and that can't happen. I'm weak. I admit it. Much like an alcoholic can't have bottle of booze in the house, I can't have access to his phone number. Christ, even after I unfriended him on FB I still managed to private message him. I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to him but I'm working on it. One day at a time.
