Easter Sunday

Today is Easter. Sunday. Sunny and 78 outside. Only 366 short days ago (ok, it really wasn't but Easter doesn't fall on the same day every year and it's a Leap Year so 366 sounds more poetic) I walked up to Green Valley Presbyterian and saw Counselor standing outside, BlackBerry in hand, crisp white dress shirt, striped blue tie, black suit pants. Perfection. That day changed my life. Over the next year I had more love, heartache, sex, tears, fun, joy, disappointment, intimacy & laughter than I did in my previous 39+ years combined. I fell in love, again. Had my heart broken, again. Found myself, again. Fell in lust, again, and again, and again, and again. And again. I lost my brother, grew closer to my family, gained 20lbs and had no idea what I was doing on any given day. I jam packed my life with nicknames like Counselor, Tequila-guy, M, the Cop, the Fireman, Secret Agent-guy & most recently Motorcycle-guy. 

In 1 year I've come full circle. I'm right back to where I was, but somehow I'm different than I was. My heart still aches for now knowing that the one I loved never loved me, for the brother that I lost, for the pain the scars of past mistakes inflict. Better? I don't know. Smarter? I doubt it. Happier? Not really. More genuine? Barely. Still learning? I hope so.

So on this Easter Sunday instead of giving thanks that Christ has risen and all that crap (Yeah, yeah, blaspheme this. God gets my sense of humor.) I'm being my normal selfish self and writing about the year that changed my life. Given the title of this blog I never expected these posts to end up the way they have. It was supposed to be about Chris Botti and my travels across the country to see his shows. Instead it's turned into a chronicle of my wonderfully messed up life and all the players in it.

Maybe one day I'll have a son or daughter who will be able to read this blog and know who their mom really was. How deliciously terrifying. 

Rollercoaster

It was unseasonably cold in Vegas today - in the 40s. I was tempted to stay in my warm bed but instead got up and went to church. I had been looking forward to it all week. I walked in and it wasn't crowded. I took a seat in my spot and sat back for a little spiritual recharge. 

About half way thru the sermon I shifted in my seat and 2 pews ahead I could see a familiar blue dress shirt, one that I had grabbed off the floor and threw on in the morning on a couple of occasions. It was Counselor. I hadn't seen him before partly because I didn't expect him to be there early, partly because I didn't expect him to be on this side of the sanctuary and partly because he was almost completely obstructed by the woman sitting in front of me. I mentioned before, I used to be able to sense when he was around. I can't do that anymore. It's funny too because he was so close I could almost touch him. 

After the service ended I don't think he even saw me. He almost walked by. Or maybe he did and just didn't want to talk to me. I reached out and squeezed his arm. "Happy St. Patrick's Day," I said. The woman sitting next to me was gabbing about something so he said, "I'll wait for you outside."

Small talk in the courtyard was as chilly as the temperature. He mentioned that Bryce @ DW Bistro was expanding his other business and asked me if I'd gone out last night. I told him I was on the wagon. He scoffed. "What are you up to today? he asked. I didn't say much. I wasn't trying to be mysterious or coy. I just didn't know what to say because "nothing" seemed either too empty or too desperate. He's distant and I'm so guarded now. I sensed a lot of disdain and irritation from him. Like he did not want to see me. "Well, have a nice Sunday," he said as he turned to leave.

Our chapter is almost over. Sometimes you can feel when something is about to come to an end. It's like the end of a Rollercoaster when the car jerks to a slower pace, the tracks straighten out and you can see the platform ahead. You know you have to get off.

Freedom

A long time ago my friend Dena recommended a book to me. Before I tell you about it you need to know I absolutely LOATHE reading books. I'll read a Steve Martini courtroom thriller on a long plane ride or articles online but I'm not the kind of person who enjoys reading for pleasure. Oprah will not be calling me for her book club.

Dena and I were talking one day and how we were both going thru something with the current men in our lives. She said, "Amy. You HAVE to get this book. It's called Why Men Love Bitches (by Sherry Argov)." I'm not really into self-help or blame-it-on-yourself-or-someone-else books but this one sounded fun. I read an excerpt from Amazon and thought, what the hell, and bought it. It's a comical read - pretty much what you'd expect from the title. Don't be so available. Don't let him think you're too interested. Don't nag. Don't give him too much power. Let him rescue you occasionally. Make him feel needed. Let him miss you. Be a challenge, not easy. Don't be afraid to not be without him. All that shit. The funny thing is, I actually go back to this book occasionally and re-read chapters. Some of them contain gems. It's like watching a Nancy Meyers movie for the 10th time on HBO just because you want to be reminded of what you should do.

In stark comparison Why Men Love Bitches is lying next to my Bible in my nightstand. Yeah, lately I've been blogging some God-ish stuff and yes, I recently joined Green Valley Presbyterian Church but I assure you I'm not a bible-thumper or a religious nut, I'm not a born-again Christian and I'm not going to try to convert anyone. I'm far to selfish to give a fat rat's ass about what you believe. Anyone who's read more than 2 of my posts knows I'm much more sinner than saint. About a year ago I wanted to go to church for Easter and Counselor decided to go with me. Ever since then we've both been going - first together, then alone, now separately. The pastor is just so fucking good at speaking - THAT'S what keeps me coming back. If my soul gets saved in the meantime and if God decides to move me in ways I'm not conscious of, well all the better. Sometimes just showing up is enough, for now. 

So for the 2nd Friday in a row I'm home alone with George Bennett, and not out. Of course I went to Seablue to pick up a to-go bag but was there for less than an hour, enough time for a salad and couple glasses of fizzy-water while my steak cooked. It feels good to just hang out at home. I like the privacy, the Freedom, the independence. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Sunday Kind Of Love

I joined Green Valley Presbyterian Church today. Actually it's not a big deal since I've been going there pretty regularly since last April and have been a member of a Presbyterian church since I was a baby. But I made the leap to do it here in Vegas, alone. 

A side tangent: I didn't want to do this alone which is strange because I'm so independent and have done most everything in my life alone and have no problem doing things alone. As a matter of fact, I prefer to do most things alone. I live alone, I travel alone, I eat at restaurants & bars alone, I bought my house alone, I moved away from MN alone. Faith and God is an entirely personal & singular relationship so it's so odd to me that I felt so strongly about wanting to do this with someone. Or maybe I just wanted to do this with Counselor  because I'm looking for a Sunday Kind Of Love.

Today church was packed. Good sign but I got moved from the isle and got bumped in a couple of feet. I don't like sitting in the inside of the pew. I like the end - goes back to my need for an exit route. Yeah, that probably stems from my commitment issues and at an embryonic level being abandoned as an infant. But that's a therapy session for another post. Counselor walked in late (comme d'habitude) and sat on the other side of the sanctuary again. Second time in 2 weeks. I know it's for the best we're not sitting together and I realize I'm the one who pushed him away but it still stung. 

The service ended and I had a half hour before the New Member class started. On my way out of the sanctuary Counselor was there waiting for me. I was glad he did. I hadn't spoken to him in 2 weeks. We walked outside and talked about what was going on in our lives for 10 minutes or so. I was pretty guarded and he could tell. We laughed a little. I told him I was going to the New Member Class and he should come. He passed. Said he wanted to but couldn't commit to the time today. I wanted him to come with me but I know it was for the best he didn't. I can't keep emotionally depending on him. I hadn't planned on doing this with him but I simply didn't want to do it alone. Time to cut the cord. He told me to call him when I finished and maybe we could grab a drink. "I don't have your number," I said. "My new one? Want me to text it to you?"

"Nope," and I turned and walked into the building. Be strong girl. Be strong.

The class was uneventful. When I switched from my childhood church, Central Presbyterian (and the church my family still belongs to) to the one I branched out to when I finished college, Westminster Presbyterian, I'd been thru one of these classes before. It's more a "get to know you" session while they tell you some general principals of what makes a Presbyterian different from a Lutheran from a Catholic. 3 hours later it ended in a prayer welcoming us all to Green Valley Presbyterian. 

As I'm typing this post, I get a text from Counselor. "...Nice to see you today." I responded the same. I'm going to keep the text until midnight then it gets deleted along with his phone number, not because of anything he's done but because I know me. I know at some point in the near future I'll be tempted to call or text him and that can't happen. I'm weak. I admit it. Much like an alcoholic can't have bottle of booze in the house, I can't have access to his phone number. Christ, even after I unfriended him on FB I still managed to private message him. I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to him but I'm working on it. One day at a time. 

Stardust

Today was a good day. Started out with a little inspiration at Green Valley Presbyterian Church. Once again Dr. Harper shook my hand while exiting and said, "I appreciate your body language. It's very encouraging." I'm beginning to feel self conscious about it. What the hell is my body language saying while I'm at church. 

Happy 3rd Birthday George Bennett!

After church I headed back home to grab a leftover salad from last night and then took the dog for a long walk in the park. It was windy but it felt good. A family came over with their dog to see George Bennett and when asked how old he was I suddenly remembered it was his birthday. Actually I think it's tomorrow, the 30th, but the fact that barely remembered - yeah, I'm a bad mommie. Birthdays aren't a big deal to me so sometimes it doesn't occur to me that they're a big deal for others. I realize he's a dog and wouldn't know his birthday from the end of the world - my point is some things just aren't very important to me, and I'm not sure why. 

After the walk I stopped by Target. I spent $100+ but luckily one of my twitter followers sent me a $50 American Express gift card for hooking him up at the Pacquiao vs. Mosley weigh in. Totally unnecessary, completely unexpected and 100% classy. He's coming back to Vegas with his wife in a couple months so I hope to spend a little more time with them, probably at Seablue. I love meeting new and cool people. 

1998 La Grande Dame

I had zero desire to go to the grocery store so instead I hit my 2nd favorite sushi place. 808 Sushi. They've got great Ahi and Tako Poke. Not as good as Sushi Fever but close. So George Bennett and I spent the evening watching BAD TV & eating sushi. Now he's asleep on the couch and I'm enjoying one fine bottle of Veuve Cliquot. The 1998 Ponsardin La Grande Dame that Scott Hamilton bought me for hooking him up with the Police show ages ago. It's been sitting in my closet for about 3 years, just waiting for a special occasion. For some reason while listening to Harry sing Stardust I thought, "Tonight is the night." Nothing remarkably good or bad about today. It just felt right to pop the cork. And God does it feel good. 

Almost Doesn't Count

Today was week 4 going to Green Valley Presbyterian. I walk up to the doors and see a bagpipe player in a kilt. Then I see Dr. Harper in a kilt. It doesn't totally surprise me because the Presbytery originated in Scotland. Part of me liked it. Something different but not goofy. I was hoping they were serving communion with Balvenie but sadly, nope.

Today's lecture (as I like to call it) was on change. I tend to lean towards the belief that everything happens for a reason so the theme was hard to ignore. Like a brick hitting me on the head. Listen up Amy. Someone's trying to tell you something. The following 4 points were taken from Dr. Harper's sermon today. (This podcast isn't yet up but for future reference head to GVPC iTunes.) 

1st: Change is preceded by anticipatory rumblings. So true. In the past month I've been a different person and a couple of my friends have noticed. Some see me happier than I've ever been but my close friends see anxiety and sheer terror of what I'm opening myself back up to. The elation I have at times is not really real. It's based on a false sense of security, on a promise that will never be kept.

2nd: Change requires major impetus. This past month I've picked up drinking & smoking again and stopped exercising like I was before. Prior, I've been the model patient for Diabetes and if my head keeps up this ridiculous thought process much longer I'll have thrown that all away. I'm smart enough to know if I get back on track now, I'll be ok. I haven't jumped off the cliff yet but I'm teetering on the edge. If I let it go on much longer, I'll be setting myself up for failure and I won't have learned a single thing. I don't want to go back to the way I was - I'm not talking physically (although I don't want to be unhealthy again); I'm talking mentally. I am strong. I can do better. I just need to stop putting the temptation in front of me. While the allure of an unopened bottle of Ponsardin in my kitchen doesn't bother me any more than a pack of Marlboro Lights, I am tempted by certain types of people. I have no idea why, but I am. It's those kinds of attractions that will kill my spirit. 

3rd: Major changes will generate major opposition. The major opposition is within me. It's the same internal struggle we all face. It's a case of the "what if's." What if this time works? What if this time the timing is right? Wise up. The odds of that are like winning MegaBucks or PowerBall. Yes it happens to some people but if you spend your life's savings (or in my case my life's worth) on it, you've wasted your life for nothing and you'll have nothing. 

4th: Major change is not a smooth process. I took on this challenge of changing my life 13.5 months ago and up until a month ago it's been pretty easy. It really has. But nothing up until now has been emotional. It's been all physical. Get your ass out of bed early to go walk. Don't eat carbs. Don't drink or smoke. Easy stuff. It wasn't until a month ago that I was really tested and failed. Not miserably because I didn't do anything stupid or anything I can't recover from but in my heart I know I failed and if I go on I'll have broken the promise I made to myself - to never allow someone else's actions to affect how I feel about myself again. I lied to myself that I could handle it, that I was strong enough to fend off what's in my heart, that I was smart enough to outrun the inevitable. I'm not. 

Over the past month I lost my mind. I'm not sad. I'm angry. Livid. Furious with myself for forgetting everything I learned, I broke all the promises I made to myself. I lied to myself, and badly at that. That ends now. Now I go back to being good to me. To putting myself first. To remembering that this is my stage, and everyone else in it are merely players. I owe it to myself. 

Amy, you turn 40 in 5 months. Be better, do better, be stronger, remember who you are, that you are enough. Do the brave thing. It's gonna be hard - hell it's gonna suck and be awkward and you're going to feel like an idiot. But do the brave thing. Almost Doesn't Count.

Bye Bye

I went to church again today at Green Valley Presbyterian. Dr Harper had a death in his family. Apparently the #2 guy was out too so some other guy ran the service. The fill in did an ok job - he readily admitted he was NOT a pastor but when he said the word "testimony" I almost turned around and walked out. It was simply a word choice but to me that conjures up an ignorant image of southern tent revivals à la Steve Martin in Leap Of Faith. But I sat thru it, tried to appreciate the fact that this middle aged high school teacher stepped in at the last minute, and bit my tongue.

Since it was Mother's Day I got a gift. A Green Vally Presbyterian Church pen. I'm not a mom but apparently the mere fact that I have a womb qualifies me to receive one. How very inclusive of them - very Presbyterian.

All I can say is thank God this wasn't my first service there - or it would have been Bye Bye for me. As it stands I'll be back next Sunday. I'm not sure it's doing anything for my soul but my head seems a bit clearer after I spend an hour listening to someone else talk about the possibilities of life. 

Sunday Morning

Went to church again this gorgeous Sunday Morning. I liked listening to Dr. Harper last week at Green Valley Presbyterian so I gave it another shot. Smart, not preahy - no electric guitars or tambourines. I'm 2-0 since Easter. Oh how my parents would be proud.

I walked in, sat on the right side this time and saw the communion on the table. I can't even remember the last time I had communion. I was thankful to see that they did it the same way as at home. I'm sure every Presbytery does it pretty much the same. Makes sense. Consistency.

Today's service was exactly what I needed. Thoughtful and calming.

When I walked out Dr. Harper shook my hand and said, "Your expressions give me encouragement." Huh? It took me so off guard that my only comeback was to stammer, pat him on the arm and say, "You're welcome." It was kind of comical actually. But for some reason I liked that he actually noticed me sitting alone near the back. Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe I'm just an obnoxious manipulative scumbag that seeks attention from everyone, including the pastor. Let's pray it was a sign...

Easter Parade

Holy shit I'm going to church with Counselor this morning. Hey, at least I said 'holy.' Talk about an Easter Parade...


Around 8.00a this morning I sent a text to Counselor asking if he wanted to go to church with me for Easter. I didn't think he'd actually be up that early on a Sunday much less respond right away much less say sure he'd go. Just one of several things that shocked me today. He's Catholic but was a good sport and went to a Presbyterian church instead.


I pull into the parking lot at Green Valley Presbyterian Church and I saw him standing on the sidewalk checking his BlackBerry. I immediately smile. Crisp white dress shirt, pale blue striped tie, black slacks. Perfect. To me there's nothing better than a man in a white dress shirt and tie. I was early and he beat me there. Shocker #2. I thought for sure he'd either be late or wouldn't actually be there at all.


We walked in and took a seat in a pew on the house left side. The church is new, rustic beams in the ceiling but modern. Flatscreens all over too. Very non-traditional but it worked. I was a little worried we would have trouble finding a seat because it's Easter but there were plenty. I like sitting on the end so to the end we went. I like knowing I have an escape route.


As we're sitting there I see one of the arena Rock Docs and her hubby walk by. I say a quick hi. They're the only people I recognize, thankfully. The last thing I need is someone to try and recruit me.


The service was surprisingly smart. I'm used to the boring stories of how Christ rose from the dead, blah blah blah. But the pastor Kenneth Harper was a great speaker and kept my attention with contemporary, intelligent reasoning. No preachy-ness. To me he was more like a college lecturer than a pastor. My kind of God guy. I'll be back. Counselor said he like to come back too. It's actually just down the street from his church so we joked that we could alternate each Sunday going to his church, then mine. I know I'll go again. Him, I doubt it. Maybe but I doubt it. It would be nice to have someone who 'gets me' to go to church with though.


At the service they had a small horn trio and timpani drums along with the choir & handbells. Obviously I'm a big fan of the horns and loved hearing them play. I'm assuming they were only there because it was Easter much like back home at Central Presbyterian at Christmas. But I loved it nonetheless. The choir also sang great classics by Handel & Bach. I was so afraid they'd break out the electric guitars or tambourines in which case I told Counselor, "We're outa here."


Counselor and I both filled out the pew cards and stuffed offering envelopes. I don't know why but I was surprised by this (shocker #3). For some reason I thought he'd pass on that. I was glad he didn't.


The service ended and we walk out to the 75 degree Vegas weather. It really was a beautiful day. The kind of day that makes memories stand out more. We bumped into the Rock Dock again. Counselor is remarkably good at making conversation with people so he and the Rock Doc chatted a bit white I caught up with her hubby and his parents.


Counselor took me out to brunch at Green Valley Ranch after church. We had oysters, martinis and mahi-mahi. He was a bit shocked (this time it was his turn) that I ordered a martini but I wanted one. And I usually get what I want. I've been good for 389 days. I deserve one day to be bad. Oysters were great, mahi-mahi was so so, Sapphire martini was delish. I forgot how much I enjoyed them, and quite frankly, his company.


After lunch we hit the sportsbook to bet some horses. There are only 2 people I play ponies with: Counselor and Brener. I didn't hit anything, he hit on one of the last races at Hollywood. I was emailing Brener for tips. Of course most didn't win. But it's always fun to banter with Brener about horses so I didn't mind losing a couple bucks on his 3-6-9 box.


While Counselor was up at the betting window I make a quick call to my family to wish them a happy Easter. They were all at my parents' house. The phone made the rounds and I ended with my dad poking fun at me for actually going to church. "Did the ceiling crack?" he joked. "Nope, and lightening didn't strike me dead either. And I went with a Catholic." I love my dad. He's fun to joke around with. He's got a dry sense of humor.


Sometime around 3.00p Counselor's friend came to join us. He's a good kid, sober at this point, so it was entertaining to hear about his exploits from the night before. He's a bit out of control because he just broke up with his girlfriend, doesn't have job and is sleeping on his pal's couch but he'll be fine. He just needs to relax, focus and heal. Don't we all.


"Do you smoke cigars," Counselor asked. I do so I took it. It was pretty dried out but it wasn't bad. I love smoking cigars & blowing smoke rings. But that cigar led to cigarettes. I prob had 4 over the course of the late afternoon. Not terrible but unnecessary. I hole-heartedly admit I lost my will power on this one. But 4 cigarettes is not going to kill me so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.


6.00p-ish rolls around and we're hungry so the 3 of us head off to Pumi for sushi. That hit the spot. I could eat sushi every week. The sushi chef recommended "super white tuna" so we tried it. Possibly the most yummy sushi I've ever had. Like butter, creamy. Counselor flipped the bill for dinner too (shocker #4). He's pretty generous now. I just remember the days when he was broke and I paid for everything. It's nice to be taken care of sometimes.


After a bottle of sake and too many pieces of sushi to count we called it a night.


Church, oysters, cigar, martinis, ponies, cigarettes, sake & sushi. It was a great Easter.