Maybe

Seablue is closing in 9 months, around Thanksgiving. As with everything in life, my time with Seablue too will come to an end. My friend Michelle who worked there just left for San Fran. My other friend there, Christine, is doing the same only moving to Florida in a few weeks. They're both just picking up and moving. Reminded me of when I did that and moved out here to Vegas 12+ years ago - when I ran away from home. I left everyone and everything I knew back in the Twin Cities. I just threw all my crap in storage and flew out here. Once I found an apartment I had the moving company drive what little stuff I had and started over. I was in my late 20s. The thought of doing that now at 40 isn't scary. It's something I think about often, especially lately. There's nothing for me here anymore. I'm not sure there ever was.

Something significant is looming on my horizon. I can feel it. Don't know if it's good or bad. Maybe it's a move, a love or a death. Not sure if I'm headed for danger or a revelation. I could be walking into a trap or the most amazing experience of my life. Or maybe it's the Ambien I just took. Time will tell I suppose... Maybe as early as tomorrow morning.

Beautiful Girl

Tuesday. TWR. Tuesdays With Rodney. We headed to Fiamma like we normally do. When we walked in Sumo was sitting at a table with Trubes and a blond. The bar was packed with other execs where we normally sit. Not a good sign. In my head I'm thinking, "No way I'm staying here more than an hour." I just wasn't in the mood for all this today. I just wanted to sit and have a quiet drink with the gang. We ended up with about 7 people @ our table. Eventually people funneled out and it was just me, Sumo & Big Rod. 

The guys were talking about hot women (as they do) and it reminded me of a conversation I had with a colleague. She told me one of the girls that worked out @ Wet Republic told her how much she made last season. It was well over $250,000. For 8 months. I was absolutely floored. I had no idea they made that much. I guess it explains why the girl was crying when she didn't get the job this season. I'd be bawling my head off too. (Although my second thought was what the hell did you do with the $250k you made last year?) I mean no disrespect to the girls who work out there as cocktail servers or models or waitresses or bartenders or whatever the hell they call them. I know they work their perfectly shaped asses & tits off and probably are put in some fairly compromising positions, figuratively speaking, of course.

But I started thinking, if I were born with physical beauty, I wonder, would I still be me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all beautiful in some way and everyone loves puppy dogs & fairy dust. I'm not being self-deprecating. I'm being realistic and asking a real question. Would I have worked as hard as I did in school? Would I still shop @ Talbots & dress conservatively? Would I have the same body image issues? Would I still love men in suits & ties? Would I be kind or entitled? Would I be single? Maybe married with a couple of kids by now? Would I be a porn star? A stripper? An executive on Wall Street? Would I still work or be a stay at home mom? Would be more or less successful than I am now? Would I be divorced? Would I still like jazz? Would I have gone to the University of Minnesota or even bothered with college? Would I have a boob job? Would I ever have left the Twin Cities? Would I have the confidence I do now or more or less? Would I have slept with them men I have? Would I have fallen in love with the man I did?

Of course there's no way of knowing the answers to any of this. And in the end it really doesn't matter. My path was the one I took and at 40 I'm pretty happy with where I am. It just makes me wonder. It's no secret that the Beautiful Girl has the advantage. No, it's not fair. The rest of us just have to work harder to get what we want.

A Long Walk

Today is a day to do absolutely nothing. After 2 long (but great) days of 311 I'm pooped. My agenda: wake up, eat some pumpkin seeds, watch whatever's on HBO, nap, take the dog for A Long Walk, shower, grab some Pellegrino, pick up sushi @ Sumo 2. Mission accomplished. 

03.11.12 311 @ MGM Grand Garden Arena - Las Vegas, NV

311 rocking out

Day 2 of 311. By now everything was on cruise control so I didn't make an appearance until about 3.00p. Given the hour we lost to Daylight Savings it really felt like 2.00p. And like clockwork my boy Dave was there so I knew everything was oky doky. I text him earlier in the morning to make sure the place hadn't burned down. I think he responded, "Just trying to stay awake" or something to that effect. 

I didn't make it to church today. When my alarm went off at 9.00a I was so tired. When I got home last night I made the mistake of staying up until 4.00a watching HBO's Game Change. It was fantastic but I paid the price the next morning. Church would have to wait until next Sunday.

Front of the GA section

The afternoon flew by. Before I knew it I was doing another security briefing with my team - basically said, "Remember what you did last night? Do it again tonight. End of meeting." My team is so amazing. If it weren't for them I never would have taken the job 6+ years ago. I used to handle operations and credentials for boxing before I started at the MGM but one of my clients was the Grand Garden Arena so I knew many of them for many years before I worked there. In fact, that's why I got the job, because I had a previous relationship with the arena and the folks there knew me and how I operated. It was win/win and the perfect fit. 

Stage left

Before I knew it I was standing in front of the stage with the production manager Daniel waiting for the ok for early entry doors again. Here we go. The kids come rushing in. Probably about 400 of them. Then the throngs of general public. The initial crowd tonight was significantly thinner than last night. We had a bet going that most of them forgot about Daylight Savings and losing the hour so they'd all come around 9.00p, thinking it was 8.00p - and we were right. Around 9.00p the turnstiles were jam packed. We got them in quickly and most didn't miss a beat. 

Good night!

Once again, when the band hit the stage I headed up to Seablue for a bite. It was pretty dead which was fine by me. I'm not a big fan of crowds - which is kind of silly given I work on shows with crowds in excess of 16,000 sometimes. I don't like loud music either, unless I'm in my car, working out or cleaning my house. Goofy. I ordered a simple hamburger, sans bun, condiments, fries & vegis. Only shredded lettuce. Chef Tony came out to check & make sure that's actually what I wanted. "Yep,"I told him with my sincere apologies. I just bastardized his hamburger. Honestly, he didn't seem to mind. Mike, one of the cooks came over to double check my order with me too. "You've never ordered this before," he said. Yeah, sometimes a girl just wants a hunk of beef. 

Around 10ish I head back to the arena and check out a couple songs. I tried to look for Bill, bartender @ Seablue but couldn't remember where I got them seats. I hooked him up with tics so he could take his girlfriend and my other friends Premo & Anna. Premo used to be a bartender @ Seablue too. They Facebooked me later saying they had a good time. 

Confetti cannons 

Before I knew it, it was midnight. I headed back out to the floor and did a couple walkthroughs. On GA floors we create 'moats' on each side of the floor for emergency egress. I head down the house right moat and snap a couple pics of the band from stage left. Jake, 311 venue security guy gives me a tap on the shoulder and a smile. We talk a little about the band's transportation out on Monday but it's so loud the convo doesn't last long. I head back up the moat and to the other side. The band's on their last song and I know the confetti cannons are about ready to fire so I stand back and watch. 

Another great night of 311. The concert is over but the VIP room has lots of people milling about. One of the guitar players is in the room but it still clears out quite quickly. By 1.00a everyone is clear. By 2.00a I'm headed home. Monday is my day to rest. To do laundry. To run errands. To order sushi. To drink Pellegrino. To hang with the dog. To live a normal life - at least for 1 day.

311 Set List - Sunday

Set 3
Down
Rock On
Grass Roots
Hive
Sever
Off Beat Bare Ass
Amber
Firewater
You Wouldn't Believe
And A Ways To Go
Applied Science
Jupiter
There's Always An Excuse
Brodels
Trouble
Still Dreaming
Beyond The Gray Sky
Creatures

Set 4
Cali Soca
Speak Easy
Stealing Happy Hours
Life's Not A Race
Use Of Time
Too Much Too Fast
Lucky
DLMD
8:16am
Beautiful Disaster
Uncalm
Juan Bond
Eons
I Told Myself
All Mixed Up
Gap
Homebrew
Who's Got The Herb
Livin' N Rockin'
Random
Sometimes Jacks
Feels So Good

03.10.12 311 @ MGM Grand Garden Arena - Las Vegas, NV

311

Tonight we had the band 311. Honestly, when we booked it I had absolutely no idea who they were. I had to look them up on iTunes. Amber is the Color Of Your Energy is the only song I remotely recognized. They loaded in a couple days early. No reason other than they probably just had some free time from the last gig. Their stage and light rig wasn't terribly complicated. Normally I don't like it when tours load in early. Just more time for them to drive me nuts. But these guys were cool. Laid back, groovy, hippy-like. Several weeks earlier we had done a walkthru of the arena with them and I knew they'd be great to work with. 

Fans waiting for early entry

No big surprises. In fact, I hardly saw any of them except when I bumped into them on the way to the bathroom. The stage manager/security guy Rosco might be the coolest dude with a Grizzly-Adams beard I've ever worked with. He's all about peace, love & harmony. Sometimes people like that drive me nuts because they're too laid back, bordering on incompetent. Rosco had so much calm and chill coming out of him, it was palpable. He gave good hugs too. 

Countdown to 311 Day!

I roll in around 2.00p on Sat. My guy Dave was in early covering the early shift so no need for me to waste my entire day at work. Hell, I was still there for over 12 hours and with Daylight Savings by the time I got home it was 3.30a. This was a late show. Because the band is called 311, March 11th is obviously a big day for them so we purposefully opened doors and hour later than normally. The band didn't even hit the stage until 9.00p and they played until about 12.20a. As part of the show they had an official "countdown" clock to March 11 (which actually took place AFTER March 11 because they played long) but no one seemed to care. 

Fans love their band!

This show was a GA floor meaning there were no seats. Standing room only. I love doing GA floor shows. So much easier. The 311 crowd was great too. Pretty young compared to most of our shows. I'd say 30s. Predominantly white males with their girlfriend/wives. Not a group that has or spends too much money. Nascar was in town this weekend too so room rates on The Strip were high but most of the fans stayed at places like Excalibur or less expensive hotels. Not bagging on them. Room rates in Vegas can be ridiculous. The fans probably bought some merch but they didn't spend a lot in alcohol at the concession stands. My guess is because most of them were high. I personally didn't witness a single customer or crew member smoking pot but let's just say the arena smelled like one huge bong. After day 1 I had to stick my pants in a bag, seal it and bring it to the dry cleaners. They probably thought, "Pot-head." 

311 on stage

No drama to speak of. After we got doors open I popped up to Shibuya to meet up with VP-guy and 311's manager. I wasn't able to have dinner with them because I was busy with the show but managed to catch them just before desert. I love schmoozing with people. It's one of the best parts of my job. The 3 of us had good chemistry. Fun time. I comped their tab and we headed to the arena and I left them to their business.

VIP Room 

Around 9.00p the band hit the stage so that was my cue to hit Seablue for dinner. Normally I eat alone once the concert starts up there. Trubes is usually busy with settlement and has dinner w/DQ and the boys in tour catering but this time she came up. Since there were 2 days of 311 she didn't have to do settlement that night. My pal Chris the fire marshal was there too. His friends were at the show and he (like me) had no desire to watch the band so we had dinner together at the bar. Fun times.

Net on the ceiling for
psychadelic lighting effect

We finish up at Seablue and I head into the arena to check out some of the show, take some pics to tweet for the Grand Garden Arena feed. The crowd loved every minute of this show. I'm not sure the people who actually had seats ever sat down. Shows like this, regardless of whether or not I care for the music, always amaze me. It gives you chills to see (in this case) 10,000 people all singing the same song. 

Day 1 of 311 was a complete success. A couple of bumps and bruises to the GA crowd from moshing & inadvertent elbows to the face and some drunkies but nothing out of the ordinary. Like Jimmy Buffett, I could do 311 all day long. That's how cool they were to work with and how good the fans were. You might be thinking, "Of course you liked that show. You're high!" Whatever the reason, it's good because I've got another night of them tomorrow.

311 Set List - Saturday

Set 1
Omaha Stylee
Do You Right
Time Bomb
Taiyed (311th time)
Evolution
Salsa
Large In The Martin
Starshines
1,2,3
Sweet
Time Is Precious
Don't Stay Home
Something Out Of Nothing
Bass Solo
Nutsymptom
I'll Be Here Awhile
Right Now
M Stoney Baby
T&P Combo
Mindspin

Set 2
Freak Out
Soulsucker
Today My Love
Wild Nights
Freeze Time
Thank Your Lucky Stars
Full Ride
Hostile Apostle
Dancehall
Transistor
Inner Light Spectrum
Waiting In Vain
Six
Sunset In July
Hydrophonic
Nix Hex
Old Funk
Welcome
Countdown To 311 Day
Sick Tight
Jackpit

Monkey Business

Today was better than yesterday. Not sure what this funk is that I'm in. I think I am just grieving a little over the loss of my previous lifestyle. There's no disputing, it was fun. I'm trying to get my sense-memory back on how good it felt to be healthy, work out, eat right, think straight. 

Throughout the day random 311 fans were milling about, trying to sneak into the venue for a peek or to see the sound check. It's funny to watch them. Our arena is situated a little differently than most so when the band is playing you can actually hear them (albeit muffled) thru the locked doors. Several people had their ears plastered to the doors trying to catch a song or 2. Harmless, but funny. I guess part of me gets it. I was (still am) a Chris Botti fan and followed him around the country listening to the same setlist, hearing the same jokes & shtick, getting the same post-show m&g pic with him. When you like something, nothing seems crazy in the attempt at getting closer to it.

The night ended like many - at Seablue with Trubes. I got a 4 pack of tics to 311 for Bill the bartender. In my 8+ years of knowing him he's only ever asked me for tickets once - to some 80s band whose name I can't remember - at the Palms. I couldn't come thru and still feel bad about that. When he asked for tics to 311 there was no way I was going to refuse. Bill's been with me thru all my boy-drama, all my job woes, all my highlights & lowlights. And when I need it most, he gives me the cold, hard, brutal truth. He doesn't know it but he's been one of the most influential people in my life and one I'm terribly grateful for. 

Tonight we got a to-go order but I decide to try the new (actually old because they used to have it years ago and brought it back) Root Beer Float that's on the desert menu. It's yummy. Got some decaf tea too. That was strategic. I did want the tea but I also wanted the baby spoon - the replacement for the caviar spoon that Counselor still has. Speaking of him - he called me today. "Do you have (Joe Schmo's) cel phone number?" he asks. "Yeah, I'll text it to you." "You want me to send you my number?" "Uhm, it's the one you called me from, right?" "Oh, yeah." He could have gotten that number from about 10 other people just as easily. I don't know why he called me for it. Is he trying to flaunt himself in front of me & make me feel bad that I don't have him? An oh-so-subtle reminder that some part of me isn't good enough for him? I don't know why I answered my phone either. I have Counselor listed in my contacts as 'Do Not Answer' so now when caller ID pops up on the screen it literally reads 'Do Not Answer.' But little good it did. It's almost worse. It makes me want to answer it more. 

Trubes and I finished up and we headed out. A short but good night. Two days of 311 starts tomorrow so I'm going to get a good night's sleep and get ready for 40 hours of a band I've never heard of until we booked them. I am looking forward to seeing VP-guy. Not sure what else to call him and still protect his privacy. We work in the same industry and have been flirting for the past 6 months or so. Never actually been out with him (other than on business stuff) but given the opportunity there'd definitely be some Monkey Business going on. We'll see how the weekend goes. 

Tired

Today was completely forgettable. I managed to laugh at dinner tonight with Rodney @ StripSteak but that's about it. I am so void of any kind of feeling right now that I can't even make up anything to blog about tonight. I'm tired. Tired of it all. 

03.07.12 Pac 12 @ Staples Center - Los Angeles, CA

View from my room @ the Ritz

Today was a great day. I got to spend some time with my girls (and boys) @ Staples Center. We were out there as visitors of the Pac 12 on a site visit. The MGM was in the running for the 2013-15 bid. We were supposed to be flying under the radar but given my friendships with the gang there, there was no use hiding it. 

Credential check in

Immediately when I hit the credential check in, all the memories came floating back. I spent many a day & night up there doing boxing credentials. I felt a sense of longing - for my old job, my old lifestyle, traveling, meeting people, airports, hotels, different cities, different countries. Now I spend all my time in the same building doing basically the same thing over and over. I'm the equivalent of an insurance agent in a cubicle. I just have better entertainment. 

We take a tour of the arena and backstage with the Pac 12 ops team. I loved that I knew the building as well if not better than they did. I didn't mention it until we bumped into one of my pals, Armen. Then it was hard to hide. He saw me walking with them and was like, "What the… hi! What are you doing here?"

Grabbing a bite in catering

After our once-around with the Pac 12 I broke off from our group and went to hang with my girls Kat and Jen. We went up to the patio and sat in the sunlight. We dished the dirt about our jobs, love lives, the Pac 12, our industries. We talked about how they staffed their building versus how we staffed ours. God, I was embarrassed to tell them how few people we had. Good stuff. Later we headed down to catering and they insisted I have a bite to eat with them. It's funny. No matter what venue you're in, we all kind of act the same. We all head to catering together in packs. 

Staples is a great venue

After a taco salad the girls left and Tim took me around for the inside scoop. Ops are ops no matter if it's basketball or a Gaga concert. The dish you want is about the people. Are they cool, assholes, fun, high maintenance? Who do you need on your side? Who should you watch your back around? Who's clueless? That kind of stuff. This is why I love my relationship with them. They give me the truth and I give it right back at them. I've always said, if I stay in the venue business there are only 3 other places I'd go: Staples, MSG or O2. Staples is at the top of that list. 

USC hits the floor

I didn't want to take up too much of their time so I left shortly after hanging with Tim. We were flying out in a couple hours and I didn't want to overstay my welcome. I left my 2nd favorite building, headed across the street to Wolfgang Puck to meet up with my gang. 

Today was a great day. 

Best For Last

Arrived at LAX this afternoon after a bumpy start out of LAS. The wind was causing serious delays. We were stuck in line for takeoff for about an hour but at least we got off the ground. Flew Delta so I got the upgrade on the tiny plane. I booked all 4 of our tickets so I felt a little guilty for leaving the other 3 behind. Oh who am I kidding. I had no remorse for getting bumped to the forward cabin. I got them exit row seats. If they want to travel the country following a world renown trumpet player racking up frequent flyer miles they're more than welcome to. 

We arrived around 4ish @ the Ritz-Carlton in downtown Los Angeles. Tiny front desk. Actually reminded me of The Martin lobby (pre-reno) here in Vegas where Tequila-guy has a home. The representative tells me don't have a king room available. Instead stuck with 2 queens. I'll live. DQ and Nathalie got kings though. Grrrr. I guess that's my karma trade off for 1st class.

View from Room 2268 @ the Ritz

My view was great. Overlooked the Staples Center, Nokia Theatre and LA Live. The Ritz is contained on floors 22, 23 & 24. I am not certain but I believe the lower floors are the JW Marriott and the upper floors are The Ritz-Carlton Residences at LA Live. Kind of like how in Vegas the Four Seasons is atop Mandalay Bay and how Mandarin Oriental has residences within their hotel - but this is all combined in 1 complex. I liked the small boutique-feel within this massive complex. 

Decor of the room is great. Warm yet modern. Crisp clean lines with a tad bit of hip decor. Fresh tulip & lily trumpet buds. Huge HDTV with the standard irritating remote that you have to push buttons more than twice to get the channels to change after navigating thru the menu. The remote wasn't dirty but I didn't get the sense that anyone had cleaned it in a while either. 

Bath/Shower combo

Loved the decor of the bathroom. Again, totally reminded me of The Martin only with the dominant colors reversed - but similar color scheme. Since I had 2 queen beds in my room my bath/shower combo was a little different than the king rooms. In the king rooms the tub is separate from the shower but BOTH are within the glass. So you walk thru the shower to get to the tub. Kinda cool. 

So the Ritz was by far one of the best hotels I've ever stayed in - but here's the deal. Do the people who pick the fixtures and design the space actually think about functionality? Again, one of the BEST rooms I've ever stayed in and it was beautiful but take a look at the shower. Look at where the bath faucet is. It's hard to tell from the pic and to tell how big the lip of the tub is but you have to literally get INTO it to turn it on. I don't know about you but I like to turn on the shower and get it warm before I hop in. And even if you just run the tub faucet to get the temp right you still have to be IN the tub to reach the  faucet - that is unless you've got the wingspan of Kris Humphries. And the glass partition is permanent. Even being careful I still got water all over the floor because 3/5ths of the shower is open. That's peeve #1. 

Looks lovely

Peeve #2. The double sink. It was so sleek & contemporary. At first glance I loved it. In fact I thought, "That's something I'd put in my bathroom."  Then I went to wash my face. *Bamb* Smacked my forehead on the spout. That prompted a very loud, "FUCK." Ok, you could claim user error on this one but again, unless you're 6'6" you'd prob hit your head too. So you have to lean to the side or to the front which leads to water getting everywhere. And the spout is so high that even when you wash your hands, water splashes all over. Gorgeous, not practical. I guess who cares if you're in a hotel, right? I care. Get it right. I bet housekeeping cares too. They're the ones who have to clean all the water spots from the sink, mirror and floor. 

Robe wrapped so nicely

Peeve #3. The placement of the robe(s). The pic you see is a reflection in the mirror. That room with the frosted glass houses the toilet. It's on the other side of the double sink - across from where the bath/shower is. I get why they put it there but doesn't it make more sense to put it near the bath? I don't know about you but when I get out of the shower it would be nice to have the robe handy and not have to walk across the bathroom to get it. The other robe was in the closet, which I understand because it's the backup, but come on. By the loo? There was space to put it near the tub. Details.

Peeve #4. Same pic. The tv in the mirror. It's the new thing. Great except that the only channels you get are the 'Los Angeles Infomercials' about what to do in town. At least give me the local stations so I can get the weather & traffic reports or see who won Ohio.

Ok. I realize these are fatuous nitpicks. Even to me. It's just something to write about. These are the things that go thru my mind. If I ever get a chance to design my own space - I mean REALLY design it - these are the kinds of details I think about. 

Now the Best For Last - the beds. The bedding was delish. So soft but somehow crisp. The down pillows were steal-worthy. I could have laid in bed all day. Sadly, while I was trying to fall asleep all I could think about was the last time I was in sheets like that was the last time I was with Counselor. (I need to stop interjecting him into every Goddamn post.)

In the morning I ordered Eggs Benedict. I'd been jonesing for them for months. Bene in a lux bed did not disappoint. Thank you Ritz. Thank you.

Fantasy

So I make it into work by 5.30a for this stupid convention. The convention itself isn't stupid but the concept of a breakfast for thousands of people at 6.30a is. I hate morning people. But I managed to pull it together and put on my happy face for the client and get the doors open.

Since I was in so goddamn early and am basically worthless until at least 9.00a I spent my morning tying up some loose ends at work and tweeting. Twitter and boredom for me is a bad combo. I just tweet incessant inane things. It's like my form of mindless entertainment. 

Work was going along smoothly. Enough so that I felt comfortable leaving property to feed the boss & Trubes. We head to our spot, Metro Pizza. Terri the waitress always takes great care of us. We're there probably 2-3 times a week, minimum. Finishing up our lunch and my phone rings. I don't recognize the number but since I'm off campus with a live convention back at the ranch I pick it up.

"Hi. How are you?" he asks. "It's (Counselor)." Yeah, I know. I get a physiological reaction at the sound of his voice. I can't help it. It's like a cross between losing my breath and acid reflux. "I haven't talked to you in awhile," he states the obvious. I want so badly to be a bitch but I can't. "You sound like you're at a convention," he says. "You've got IBM?" I tell him, "Actually, I'm at Metro." How did he know I had IBM today? We make another 30 seconds or so of small talk and I tell him I'll call him later. 

Here's what I don't understand. Why is he calling me? He doesn't love me, he knows we can't be "friends" so why the hell is he checking in on me. Is this his way of winning? Of shoving it in my face? Of proving that, yeah, I don't want you but I'm gonna keep torturing you every once in awhile, remind you that I'm still here. Or the girl-part of me thinks maybe he does still care, that a part of him does love me. Maybe he's come to his senses and realized that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. Pure Fantasy. Yes, I know it's up to me to grow up and move on, despite his actions, but it's hard. I don't mind hard. I guess what I'm asking is why is it so circuitous?

I never did call him back. I don't plan on it. But Christ I wanted to; I still want to. Tomorrow I head to LA with the gang to check out the Pac 12 Tourney. We're bidding on it for 2013 so we're doing a little recon. Staying @ the Ritz Carlton downtown. Since I'm not drinking at the moment I plan on ordering my weight in room service. Hell, I may even take a long hot bath. A mini-vacay. Help clear my head, heal my heart. Man, if the Ritz can do that, I may just pull a Howard Hughes and move in. 

Daydreamer

I made it to church today. I had been looking forward to it all week actually. There's something comforting and continuous about it that I like. But for some reason I was all out of whack this morning. My CrackBerry alarm went off at 9.00a and I kept pushing snooze until 9.40a. Church is at 10.30a all the way across town so I normally have to be out of the house by 10.00a. As I'm drying my hair I look at the clock. 10.15a - it hits me. Holy shit. I should be passing the I-15 by now! My internal conversation goes a little something like this. "If I hustle I can be there by 10.45a or I can just bag it and go back to bed." I chose the former. Turned out to be the right decision. 

I pull into the church parking lot as expected at 10.45a and had to park up on this rocky berm. Not a good sign. If I can't find a spot to sit near the end of a pew, I'm screwed. I walk in and look around to my normal spot. No seats on the end. Shit. On the other side I see the last 2 pews roped off. That blows too. I look down the middle isle and a couple rows down, a couple people in I see an opening. I shuffle through and take a seat. 

It's funny how by simply changing seats changed my perspective. Everything was a little different. Not bad, just different. The lighting was different, my angle to Dr. Harper was different, the way my body positioned itself was different. An interesting point of view. Right then I made the decision that I'm not going to get there late anymore. While it was interesting to get a different view, there's a reason I sit where I sit. I like to be house right, far right on the end. Why? For the very practical reason that I cross my right leg over my left and thus lean to the left. Yeah, I guess I am fussy but I'd rather be comfortable so I can concentrate on what's going on around me than the fact that my leg is falling asleep. There's a bigger lesson there I'm sure but I have to be up at 4.00a tomorrow for a stupid convention so I don't really feel like delving into the psychosis of changing your perspective in a church pew and in life. 

Church ended and on the drive back home like a Daydreamer I thought about where Counselor was today. I haven't seen him at church (or at all) in about 3 weeks. I know I'm the one who made the decision to cut off ties but I still miss him. I miss our lunches at Tides Oyster Bar at Green Valley Ranch where Janet the waitress made small talk with us. I miss his laugh when I said something stupid or made fun of all his vitamins he carried in his pocket. I miss wearing his shirts in the morning. I miss the way he explained the law to me. I miss how he took care of me. I miss the feeling I had when I was with him. I miss loving him. Loss is hard. Self-imposed loss is even harder. Day by day it doesn't get easier, I just get used to it. Part of what I struggle with is guilt for feeling more pain over the loss of Counselor than the loss of my brother. I realize that's completely fucked up but that's the way I feel. Maybe it's because I had no control over my brother's death or contribution to what happened to him but with Counselor I was part and parcel; I had complete control over the whole thing and I let it all spiral out of control. 

But I lived thru another day. Surprising how that happens when you just keep going. And it was a good day. When I got home I got a pedicure & took George Bennett for a long walk. It was a gorgeous Sunday in Vegas. 

Easy To Remember

Tonight I went to my pal Jay's 40th surprise birthday party at Republic Kitchen. (It was actually the site of my pal Sumo's 40th birthday too but back then it was Fado's.) I got there late, not fashionably but because I literally laid down to take a nap in the sunlight with the dog and didn't wake up until his wife text me. Yeah, not a brilliant move on my part because Jay's one of my closest confidantes. He, much like the rest of the brain trust, are my closest friends. He's a good guy and - by leaps and bounds - the smartest guy I know. He and his wife Melissa are so remarkably perfect for each other, much like DQ and his wife. Gives me hope that it exists. 

Anyhow, I get there late and there are about 30 people mingling around. I know about 10 of them. Walking into a crowd of strangers never bothered me though. Being social and fearless in that regard is a skill at which I excel. I work the room a bit and eventually make it around say hi to the birthday boy and his wife. He looks happy. So does she. 

Sitting on the corner of the black leather sofa is a tall, dark haired guy. He looks kind of familiar but I don't remember his name. Luckily Jay introduces me to him. I still don't recall what it is but immediately after he stands up so I can shake his hand I remember it's the guy Jay mentioned I might like. Strange because I usually come up with a trick about people so their name is Easy To Remember but this time it didn't work. He'll just have to be Actor-guy. At least I think Jay said he's an actor. Creative-type. Quiet. A little mysterious. He didn't have the bad-boy vibe but rather a cool reservation about him. Although I will say, quel annoyance, he had a bluetooth earpiece in. Ugh. He had it in all night, even when he played pool. It was such a strange juxtaposition. Jeans, leather jacket, tattoos I'm sure - and a bluetooth. He pretty much steered clear of me so I took that as a sign I'm not up his alley either. It's funny the people your friends think you'd be interested in. He was good looking though. Great hands. Strong. Good at pool too. 

Since I wasn't drinking and had enough of the smalltalk I said my goodbyes after about an hour. Jay did his best linebacker move to try to get me to stay. "What, are you going to see (Counselor)!" he jibes. "Nope," I smirk. "Then at least tell me you're gettin' a bootie call from Tequila-guy!" Yeah, Jay knows more about my life than most. 

I make the drive back to the southwest side of town, home. I just wanted to eat some Seablue leftovers with George Bennett, drink a bottle or 2 of Pellegrino and watch whatever new movie is on HBO tonight. 

Mission accomplished. 

(Postscript: Turns out the guy wasn't Actor-guy. "I'd never set you up with this guy. He's definitely got some bodies buried somewhere." Whew. Thank god.)